Discouragement again…

I’m feeling so discouraged.  I’m really trying to stay positive, but I don’t think I know how.  I’m praying, I’m in the Word…I’m spending time with Bryan, I’m spending time with other people.
I have no idea how we are going to make all the ends meet…if we weren’t getting married, I have no idea how I would make ends meet.  I can’t find a job anywhere…bills are piling up.  I bought some more groceries again today- strawberries, milk, butter, nylons…I’m being really conservative.  It’s so hard not to be discouraged.  It’s hard to get up in the mornings, I don’t want to talk to my family because they get me even more discouraged…I don’t want to eat healthy or exercise…it’s almost that “depressed” feeling I get in winter.  I know its situational, and “this too shall pass,” but it is so disheartening.  I wish I got information back/phone call from DHS so it could help with food stamps…at least that would help us with some things.  I’ve got to stay positive.  It’s so hard, though.

If you think about it, I would truly appreciate prayers.  It’s hard to keep trusting when I can’t see more than an hour ahead.

I’m drinking a mixed greens, parsley, honey, and strawberry smoothie at the moment..pretty good!   Speaking of trying to eat healthy…

64 days…

I can’t believe I’m really counting it down.

My dress is done- my seamstress is taking it to be steamed and spot checked today.  My veil is beginning…sadly, I have expensive tastes…but, I have a wonderful seamstress who is doing so much for me!  I’m so excited about the “end product.”  Our centerpieces are coming together…I think, instead of vases, I want to use wine bottles.  However, I think I need to get real vases…pray that we will find the right thing!  We finally found a ring for me yesterday…it should come in tomorrow…and Bryan’s should be coming in another week or two.  We went with a simple white gold 3 mm band with milgrain on the sides.  It’s pretty and very simple…much more appropriate for me.  Everyone’s bands are so large…anything over 3 mm makes my hand look fairly unattractive.  We couldn’t find jewels we actually REALLY liked that would be durable (We like opals and aquamarines, NO diamonds!), so a simple band works well.  I got him a tungsten carbide beveled edge 6 mm band…I think they’ll go well together.

Anyway.  I’m thinking about dropping classes this fall already.  I can’t find anything for a job…and it might be better for our marriage if I try to stay home more, at least this first semester.  We’ll see.  I know God will provide, and he does provide, but right now it is pretty overwhelming.  It’s hard to stay strong and not give in to depression.

Bryan and I had a nice date last night…a full meal with wine at Mangiamos.  I actually thoroughly enjoyed it.  Usually I don’t like Mangiamos very much, but last night was great.  The food was excellent, the waitress was great…it was jazz night and the music was wonderful as well.  We split everything, it was $1.99 drinks…so we had a full meal for a value price…and used some of our gift card!  Such a blessing.  It was nice to linger over dinner for a few hours and just talk.

The more we get into planning…the more excited I am to be married.  I’m thrilled to spend the rest of my life with Bryan…to have a marriage where we work together to accomplish what the Lord has in store.  That friendship and accountability is so exciting…knowing that I have someone with the same goals and foundation I have to walk alongside me!  The spiritual implications of marriage are so deep…sometimes its overwhelming to see what the Lord has created.  I’ve never thought about it this deeply before, since I’ve never planned on a marriage so concretely.  It’s so beautiful, so holy.  I am…excited…to say the least!

What a long day…

It’s been incredibly busy at work.  It’s nice- I’m making good money.  So much alcohol…it’s like all I’m serving is alcohol.  It’s funny, really…my sales are hugely increased, but my tips are severely decreased.  People don’t tip well with alcohol, although its a lot more work.  Oh well.  So, the bartender gets bigger tipouts, and I earn less and work harder.  Cool.  At least the bartender’s working harder too;-)\
After work last night (we were so busy they pulled Bryan in to do dishes- we got a sweet gift certificate for the work) Bryan and I went to Martha’s Vineyard and got dinner…Tabouli, Hummus, 4 year aged Gouda, Canadian crackers, Spanish wine, and Chocolate Strawberry cake…It fed me all day today too.  I also made a salad- napa cabbage, red lettuce, raddichio, pineapple, radishes, soy nuts, coconut, and a spicy ginger soy vinaigrette.  So delicious.  I know, odd combination…but you use what you have, right?

I still have kale, swiss chard, lettuce, chinese cabbage, and radishes left from last Tuesday’s CSA.  It’s almost Tuesday again!  I made some Kale chips this past week, and some kale with potatoes and rice.  It was really good…maybe I need to make more?  Or, maybe I should just sautee the greens with oil and garlic.  I haven’t bought groceries in 3 weeks…I’m out of almost EVERYTHING.  But, trying to save money, so pressing on…we’ll see what I can make this week with what I have in the cupboards!  Oh, I have bok choy too.  I don’t have anything else to stir-fry, though…maybe a bok choy with canned tomatoes recipe?  That seems to defeat the purpose.  My spinach and the majority of my greens and fresh fruit have been used for smoothies this week- 4+cups of mixed greens with 1/2 cup or so of fruit, maybe some honey….Not too bad tasting, and every so good for you.  I’m trying to resist adding sugar….
I’m working 40+ hours at the restaurant this week.  I’m excited about the hours…but, probably won’t see Bryan at all, and I’ll be so exhausted.  Waitressing takes so much energy out of you- especially since I’m outside most of the time, with this heat.  It just sucks all the energy away.

Wedding plans are going great…69 days.  I can’t believe it.  There’s still so much to do.  I’m sure we can do it.  We have a LOT done already.  We need to get the groomsmen on it, though.  And, I need to purchase gifts for the party/those involved.  Yikes.  Shopping. I hate shopping.

I know, it’s been a long time.

Nothing has really changed, though.

It’s summer- the plants are up, my peas, beans, and strawberries are alive (although no fruit yet….)

I still don’t have a job, but am still looking.

I’m planning on going to Grand Valley…need to figure out how to pay for it!

Bryan and I are getting married September 5th- that’s exciting!

Besides that…nothing new.  I’m eating a spinach, parsley, blueberry, banana smoothie for breakfast.  We have a share in a CSA for the summer, so I’m trying new ways to use all these green things!

Oh, Faith…I know I’ll find something.  Probably not the military…I’m 99.999999999% sure it’ll be something else:-)
Exciting news- Yesterday all 5-6 of the neighbor kids helped me water my plants with bowls and a water gun….then one of them came to VBS with me yesterday!  So exciting!  Definitely a wonderful praise- she loved it, and is coming again tonight!

Discouragement

I’m really discouraged. Nothing is coming together in terms of a job…I’m trying so hard. No more interviews, no more positive job opportunities, etc. I haven’t heard anything from GVSU or Western Michigan University yet. I know Michigan is really tough, but I don’t see even any hints of a promising future.

I’m glad I can rest in God’s hands…it is just so discouraging sometimes.

Ponderings with a new day

I’ve been thinking a lot, which translates into “why write?’

I’ve been applying to grad schools (2). I’ve been applying to jobs (15+).  I’ve been at a retreat, and this week I’m going to a conference and Chicago.

I’ve been really busy.

Beyond the “beens,” freedom has been on my mind.  I am so often restrained by so many things.  Rules and regulations of fundamentalism (both good and bad), people’s ideas and opinions (mainly those related to me), fears and lies the devil has bound me with, and those desires of what I wish to be but am not now.

I desire to have a relationship that people see and say, “I want to be like that.”  I mean, yes…that is selfish.  And no, I don’t see anything wrong with us.  I just see wedding pictures and my friends and I’m like, “dang it, I want to be really cool like that.”  Its just those silly insecurities again, like every woman has.  I have the most incredible man I could ever imagine.  His relationship with the Lord inspires me, he is passionate, gentle, good with conversation, chivalrous, tenderhearted, respectful, compassionate, generous…everything to be admired.  We are a really good team and he is my best friend.  There is nothing more I can ask for.  I don’t need to be like everyone else to know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I want to be a good social worker. I don’t feel focused, I don’t feel well-educated, I don’t feel well-experienced.  But, of course, I then remember that I am just now graduating with my undergrad, I have tremendous dreams and plans half in action, I am gaining as much experience as possible.  It’s not like its even possible to be this incredible person who is successfully eradicating the world of poverty and injustice after only four years of undergraduate education. I suppose I can hold off on that for a few more years.

I miss a few of my good friends.  A*, for one.  She’s out in Minnesota, way out yonder where no one can bother her.  And F*…the encouragement in my saddest days…pretty sure that she up and joined the military.  She’s a little nuts, that one.  I’m really proud of her.  At least I have her guitar to keep me company:-)  I feel very distanced from people.  I do a lot of reflecting, and I’ve become very introverted, so I don’t see people anymore.  We have dinners often, but only 1-2 people come, so I have a small friend base.  I’m alright with that, as is B*.  I don’t feel like I have words anymore, though.  Sometimes I wonder if it is alright to be so…quiet in life.  I mean, I work at a hospital and a restaurant.  All I do is people. It’s really nice to be home with myself and a person. People wear me out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage.  A wedding overwhelms me.  Its hard to think about what I want separated from pleasing people.  I know, that’s a little far ahead to be planning, but its time to begin thinking seriously.  I’d rather elope and just disappoint everyone than plan all those silly details.

I feel very unsettled about friendships and sharing life with people.  I mean, two roommates moved out and want nothing to do with me.  I feel pretty useless.  My manager/cook can’t stand me.  How can I be so unappealing?  I mean, granted, its only three people.  I should have higher confidence than that.  But, it still kind pokes at you.  How do you pursue friendships when you feel so…poked at?

Anyway. Off to bed I go.  Late nights are no time to be wondering about yourself.  It is newly Easter morning.  I am thankful and pondering, off from thinking about myself…God is good. He is faithful, he provides, and he is gracious. I am free in Christ, slave to righteousness.  Feel free to ponder on that for a while.

And, yes, Indeed.

HE is RISEN.

Quick update

Life flies by so unbelievably quickly sometimes.

Its nice to be able to throw in pieces of relaxation- going to see butterflies with Bridget Monday night, making dinner last night (Rosemary pork, Parmesan noodles, and garlic beans), and Bryan’s birthday tonight.

On the other hand, so much to figure out. I’m 120 hours left to go on my internship and have a lot to do for that yet, and graduation is just around the corner.

I’m looking at going for a MSW/MPA dual degree at GVSU. It would be beneficial and I think I would enjoy all the classes. I really need to get going on the application, though.

I have a “real” job interview tomorrow- essentially a case manager for a subsidized housing unit. It sounds like something I would absolutely LOVE to do…with benefits on top of everything. Hopefully that goes well.

I guess there’s a lot of little things- hopefully I won’t get behind! It really is exciting, though, to see all the options.

I know, I’ve taken a while.

God is providing, amidst odds that I don’t really comprehend.  I can understand how my clients feel through simple things.  Such as, Bryan and I are sharing a car, so I don’t always have great transportation.  When you walk to get groceries and walk home, it takes a lot of time.  When my patients have to walk to me…or even take the bus…its really inconvenient to change schedules on them.  They do have time, but when they have time they’re really tired.  It’s easier for me to understand that now.  Not having complete independence really is a little draining.

Other than that, I’ve been doing Big Brother/Big Sister.  I went to pick up my little today for an arranged date, but she forgot!  She was sick today, and stayed home from school.  So, no brownies today- we just talked for a few minutes, and I went home.

Our conversation was rather enlightening.  The normal, “how’s school, how was the Valentines dance, how is life…” Then:

me: “How’s boy?”

her: we’re not talking (this changes every other week)

me: why not? what happened?

her: He irritates me.

me: how so?

her: he just does.

———- Keep in mind they are both 13 —————-

me: oh, I’m sorry.  They get better, I promise…just give them 10 years or so.

her: yeah. okay.

me: yeah, by the time they hit 23 they’re alright.  at least, they aren’t as irritating.

her: Wait, 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN”T WAIT THAT LONG!!!!!

me: well, girl..you just might have to.

————————

Oh, to be 13 again. Or, not.

Besides that- I cleaned the house tonight, then enjoyed a blueberry drink with chocolate cake and scrapbooked.  And, I talked to a good friend on the phone. Lovely evening, really.  The house is clean, and I’m off to bed…babysit, internship, class tomorrow.

Secret about me

I spend almost every night home alone….
and it scares me.

Tyler Perry and preparations…

I know some could consider this heresy…but, when I watch “The Diary of a Mad Black Woman” with Tyler Perry…I remember why I’m so excited to be a Christian. Every time I watch this movie, I cry and remember the faithfulness of Jesus. I know, right?

Days when I get so discouraged by the misrepresentation of Christianity to the world and even myself…I should watch this movie again. It just…reminds me that God is a God of restoration.

Not to mention, I laugh out loud every five minutes.

“I’ll be at church when they get a smoking section.” – Madea

And so serious…
“…you’ve got the strength God gave all women to survive. You just have to tap into it. “

“When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don’t forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him, baby, and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.”
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New things on the horizon:

- I joined in a CSA for the summer/fall harvest, through Trillium Farms.  I’m really excited!  I’ll be able to pay up front in the next few months, so it won’t be a financial stress at all this summer and will greatly benefit my cooking and creativity this summer.  It should be a good summer for farming.

- Planning for a business…we’re starting to plan and create a business plan for a ministry we’re starting, Lord willing.  “We” being a couple from my parents’ church and myself.  It’s really exciting, a little scary, and a lot busy.  So much change is on the horizon, but God is so fully in it.  Pray that we continue listening and following!

- I am nearly halfway finished with my practicum- I have nearly 200 hours out of my 440 total hours.  It’s so exciting!!! I’m a little nervous about finding a real job with insurance, with all the other opportunities and plans for the summer.  I know God will provide, I’m anticipating great things, but I’m a little anxious.  Definitely fighting that off, and learning to trust!