Ponderings with a new day

I’ve been thinking a lot, which translates into “why write?’

I’ve been applying to grad schools (2). I’ve been applying to jobs (15+).  I’ve been at a retreat, and this week I’m going to a conference and Chicago.

I’ve been really busy.

Beyond the “beens,” freedom has been on my mind.  I am so often restrained by so many things.  Rules and regulations of fundamentalism (both good and bad), people’s ideas and opinions (mainly those related to me), fears and lies the devil has bound me with, and those desires of what I wish to be but am not now.

I desire to have a relationship that people see and say, “I want to be like that.”  I mean, yes…that is selfish.  And no, I don’t see anything wrong with us.  I just see wedding pictures and my friends and I’m like, “dang it, I want to be really cool like that.”  Its just those silly insecurities again, like every woman has.  I have the most incredible man I could ever imagine.  His relationship with the Lord inspires me, he is passionate, gentle, good with conversation, chivalrous, tenderhearted, respectful, compassionate, generous…everything to be admired.  We are a really good team and he is my best friend.  There is nothing more I can ask for.  I don’t need to be like everyone else to know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I want to be a good social worker. I don’t feel focused, I don’t feel well-educated, I don’t feel well-experienced.  But, of course, I then remember that I am just now graduating with my undergrad, I have tremendous dreams and plans half in action, I am gaining as much experience as possible.  It’s not like its even possible to be this incredible person who is successfully eradicating the world of poverty and injustice after only four years of undergraduate education. I suppose I can hold off on that for a few more years.

I miss a few of my good friends.  A*, for one.  She’s out in Minnesota, way out yonder where no one can bother her.  And F*…the encouragement in my saddest days…pretty sure that she up and joined the military.  She’s a little nuts, that one.  I’m really proud of her.  At least I have her guitar to keep me company:-)  I feel very distanced from people.  I do a lot of reflecting, and I’ve become very introverted, so I don’t see people anymore.  We have dinners often, but only 1-2 people come, so I have a small friend base.  I’m alright with that, as is B*.  I don’t feel like I have words anymore, though.  Sometimes I wonder if it is alright to be so…quiet in life.  I mean, I work at a hospital and a restaurant.  All I do is people. It’s really nice to be home with myself and a person. People wear me out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage.  A wedding overwhelms me.  Its hard to think about what I want separated from pleasing people.  I know, that’s a little far ahead to be planning, but its time to begin thinking seriously.  I’d rather elope and just disappoint everyone than plan all those silly details.

I feel very unsettled about friendships and sharing life with people.  I mean, two roommates moved out and want nothing to do with me.  I feel pretty useless.  My manager/cook can’t stand me.  How can I be so unappealing?  I mean, granted, its only three people.  I should have higher confidence than that.  But, it still kind pokes at you.  How do you pursue friendships when you feel so…poked at?

Anyway. Off to bed I go.  Late nights are no time to be wondering about yourself.  It is newly Easter morning.  I am thankful and pondering, off from thinking about myself…God is good. He is faithful, he provides, and he is gracious. I am free in Christ, slave to righteousness.  Feel free to ponder on that for a while.

And, yes, Indeed.

HE is RISEN.

~ by rosesinjanuary on April 11, 2009.