Carlie, how do you keep bugs off radishes? I can hand pick the bugs off there are so many of them! Tiny little black things. They’re eating up all my radish leaves!

My broccoli raab is already starting to grow- cute tiny little leaves!

Had breakfast- toast, almond butter, egg, coffee. Finally got around to reordering my Arbonne vitamins…I ran out and could definitely feel it. It’s so good to have them back! Made carrot, orange, apple, ginger juice- hopefully that will kick whatever is going on with me. I’m hoping its just allergies…but we’ll see.

There’s something that feels right about the world here. It’s the simple beauty and the diversity. The GM tower in the background- trains and sirens and gunshots constantly through the night. However, in the morning- the fresh compost pile with robins, pheasants, gardens, flowers, fruit trees- the newness of life in the city. I don’t think I would choose to live anywhere else at this point in my life. So much beauty amidst the brokenness. A chance for hope and a good place to grow again.

I have my cold crops in- snap peas, broccoli raab, kale, collards, mustard greens, radish, spinach, broccoli, red cabbage, leeks, onions, carrots, lettuce.  I have 12 pepper plants, 15 tomato plants, and 9 basil plants started inside- we’ll see if they make it.  My strawberry transplants are mostly dead (I have one green sprout out of three), and my romaine lettuce transplants (still inside) look pitifully weak.  Oh well.  We’ll see if I can get life out of them yet…  The garden looks great, except for the kale and collards, which were a little sad last night.  Hopefully after our storm and rain they are a little more alive.  The rest should be planted…if I get enough space out back.  The inside transplants, then beans, parsnips, chard, beets, eggplant, squashes, cucumber, some herbs.  Tomatillos, maybe?  And a couple of flowers.  Whew.  It’s such a great way to relieve pressure, stress, frustration.  Tears and sweat kind of work together and no one really knows the difference, right?

It feels like such a responsibility.  These tiny little seeds- I can’t imagine they’ll grow into large plants.  Its amazing how much growth there is, and how short the growing season takes, in perspective.  I’ve been thinking about hearts lately.  When I plant a seed I think about mustard seed faith.  Faith so small you can barely see it…then it grows, and grows.  Our hearts are so tender and delicate- fragile, like these seeds which grow into plants.  In order to grow they have to break out of their hard seed shells.  They become little plants- tender, small, susceptible to wind and storm and the harsh world.  They’re in such a dangerous place.  But, they get hardened to the weather and continue to grow, as the gardener watches over them, protecting them from harshness, watering, planting at just the right time.  Isn’t my heart the same way? In order for me/my heart/emotions/life to grow and develop, I have to open up the protective shell I’ve kept it in.  I have to be willing to stretch myself.  To feel those painful and rendering emotions that threaten to destroy me.  I have to trust my “gardener” and let Him work in my heart.  I have to be willing to be completely broken and face the possibility of “death” (Right—die to self?) in order to become what I’m created to be.  Seeds, in general, are no good as seeds.  They can be used for some things, true…but to blossom, grown, and become “more”…they must germinate and grow.

I don’t think I’m ready to face the elements right now.  I like my shell.  I like safety.  I like my desires and what I want to experience…surrendering is difficult.

So, I pray that my faith grows.  If it as big as even a mustard seed…there is hope.  I hold on to that hope.

I’m starting my little gardening space behind our house.  I turned all the dirt over and then used the hoe to chop all the dirt in little pieces.  It’s hard work; my body aches all over.  Unlike my space on Coit Ave, this dirt is rich and thick and is full of substance.  Worms running for cover as brave robins approach me, trying to get an easy dinner.  “That’s right, guys…I’m doing all this work just to feed you.”  As I turn the dirt, I’m finding dinner forks, metal pieces from houses, bricks, lots of cement, electrical wire.  It’s an adventure, the things I find.  I spoke to my neighbor  C about preparing my beds, as she’s a seasoned gardener.  She reminded me perfection is not necessary, especially not in Detroit.  Farming in Detroit, see, is a bit different.  No offense, Dad, but your gardening intimidates me.  No stones, perfect dirt, perfect rows, perfect plants, perfect string.  I can’t do it.  It overwhelms me.  Yet it is what I’m trying to do.  Trying to remove the many many stones, breaking up the huge dirt clods into tiny little particles.  I don’t think perfection will be obtained this year.  There’s compost in the dirt, the dirt has become workable, and maybe it’s ready to rake this weekend.  I really need to plant some of my seeds.  I started some organic green pepper plant- well, they’re tiny little seeds in egg cartons now.  We’ll see if they grow.

My first set of seed planting will be: peas, carrots, collards, mustard greens, spinach, lettuce.

Then, transplanting the lettuce, cabbage, onions, potatoes, strawberries, kale, and broccoli we picked up tonight.

Later- beans, beets, cucumbers, broccoli raab, cilantro, parsnips, radishes, squash, nasturtium, marigold, and transplanted tomatoes, peppers, maybe some melons, eggplant, sweet potatoes?

And all those things (and more) for $10 a season, thanks to Detroit’s Garden Resource Program.  I thought about adding some other things…but I think that’s probably more than enough for my first garden.

Besides gardening, I’ve been thinking a lot.  I find it remarkable that little tiny seeds become plants large enough to feed us…tiny delicate plants that need so much care.  So much like our lives- needing that tenderness.  The seasons we go through are like the seasons of the year- perhaps that is why some of us appreciate Michigan so much.  I hate the cold.   I hate the lack of community, the season where nothing grows, the sadness and the darkness of winter.  But sometimes life is a season of darkness.  It’s spring in this city- there is new growth and life begins anew.  Gardens are growing, the chickens are laying, the pheasants are mating.  The EACH movement is truly beginning (Chosen? Chosen.)  There is a resurrection that we celebrate every spring after a season of fasting.  Neighbors are coming out of their homes and the streets feel alive again.  And yes, the seasons in Michigan give us an opportunity for a new start.  Much of my heart still feels burdened by winter…but every morning I feel as though the birds tell me to look forward to the warmth of summer.

Thank you for Spring.

“Create in me a pure heart, Oh God.  Renew a steadfast spirit in me.”

In this time of spring, I pray you’ll cleanse me and transform my heart.

“La, La, are you M** at me?”
“Am I what with you?”- me
“Are you M******* with me??”
“Honey I can’t understand you. What are you trying to say?”- me
“Are you {spells it} M-U-D at me?”
“Am I mad at you? No, I’m not mad at you. Why would I be mad at you?” – me (I had already forgotten about the purse incident)
“For getting in your purse.”
“No honey, I’m not mad at you. You have to remember not to do that though. You can’t just get into other people’s things like that, ok?” – me
“K. Can I have a cookie?”

Oh dear.

Sometimes I think like that though. Really, I do. No matter how inappropriate or inconsistent or inconsiderate my behavior might have been…my thought life…my attitude…I say, “Ok God, thanks for not being mad. Now, can I have that cookie?”

Repentance and this Lenten season…what is true repentance? Am I ready for it? I would much rather have my cookie after a brief apology (if you can call it that, even…).

Lord, thank you for your grace today.

I feel loved.
I am chosen.

Last night I felt lonely
uninspired
unable to dream
lacking in beauty
weary in soul
cold
and stormy.

Today’s the first day of spring.  New beginnings. Beauty and creativity.
Authenticity.
I pray the spring in my heart continues.
I am thankful for friends who encourage the spring in my soul and continue to teach me wholeness.
Thank you for restoration. For beauty. For honesty.  For fighting the good fight.

Thank you, Lord, for bringing life to my soul once again.

Joyous times:
- Ice skating party on the block
- Skiing with a dear friend
- Overnight with my childhood best friends
- Christmas…and New Year’s….
- Neighborhood gatherings and dinner parties
- Mexicantown adventures

Sadness…not especially worth mentioning. But the sorrows of the heart are many, and winter always makes those moments more excruciating.

However, spring brings fresh starts and the beauty of new life. Perhaps it will bring lessened stress levels and more solid direction.

It does bring a new film…a favorite book brought to life, Jane Eyre. We’ll see how it matches up…can I really go into the film with no expectations? That’s hard – no expectations in a love affair that has lasted (most of) a lifetime… I shall try. Oh Ms. Bronte…are you disappointed, or are your intentions well transferred to the screen? We shall see!

Beauty From Ashes: Crystal Lewis

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy over your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said
…
I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound Ive been set free
Ive been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

The disparities between Greek town and this house are so many.  Busy, noisy, friendly, bright.  Back to these dimly lit areas- small Christmas lights, teens walking through the dark streets, quiet, and simple.  They both have their times.  Nights like these I wish for the energy, bustle, distraction of the city.

Instead I’m looking at laundry that needs to be folded, and my computer bag full of journal notes that need to be typed.  And packing.  And Christmas presents for the brother and sister in law that need to be done by tomorrow.  So tired from the last month at work- weary, really.  It’ll be nice to go home this weekend…see the boys.  Maybe spend some time with my little sister? We’ll see.  At least, hopefully, we’ll see both sets of grandparents.  But oh, the packing.  Definitely haven’t thought about that. I hate packing so much.  Especially for just a few days.  Especially alone.  I guess I should start moving, though.  I’m longing to cuddle under my heavy blankets with music playing and just think.  For a long time.  And then sleep even longer.

Fyi, Niki’s in gt is great…excellent pizza.  Waitstaff- very busy, a little slow, but pizza was fabulous.  Can’t wait to explore Detroit in the winter, with the beautiful snow. (even though I dread the cold)  My favorite part of winter is ice skating in the middle of the city.  I’m so thankful to be here…and so thankful that B and I seem to have found our niche…finally.  For a while, anyway!  I just have to figure out how to give more- how to reach outside my little comfort zone.

Recent reading…Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyers.  Yes, I know. I am typically not a fan.  At the recommendation of my supervisor, I decided to try it out.  I think it fits perfectly.  Sometimes it takes something you already know to push you a bit further out of the painful place we make for ourselves unintentionally.  Good reminders.

“Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.
Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.
Speak to my pain and confusion.
Speak through my fears and my pride.
Speak to the part of me that knows I’m something deep down inside…

I’ve known now, for quite a while, that I am not whole.
I’ve remembered the body and the mind,
But dissected my soul.
Now something inside is awakening,
Like a dream I once had and forgot.
And it’s something I’m scared of
And something I don’t want to stop.” – Sara Groves, Awakening.

And another:

"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again,
Still I'm caught in your grace" - Hillsong, From the Inside Out.

There was a harvest party on Farnsworth last night- very nice to have so many people around.  It was a good way to end this autumn season.  Our first big Harvest Party potluck, but very enjoyable.  The kids had so much fun on the “crazy hayride”- even us big kids.  The little girls across the street have never been on a hayride before, and they both went at least seven times.  It was wonderful to see their excitement.  It feels a little more like home- meeting so many new people, but then being part of something that is so much bigger than ourselves.

This morning I didn’t think I could handle church; being home alone in the quiet is something I very much needed.  I read out of my Benedictine prayer book; perfect reading for today.  I spent the rest of the morning through lunch typing journal notes and catching up on CLS office work.  So overwhelming sometimes…I still have a lot to do, but I can’t bear spending more of my weekend doing it.  After warming up leftovers (which weren’t very good) I spent some time with Arbonne office work.  I love making money while not working- yet another order today from someone I never met.  I love online referrals.  It’s definitely a great way to earn money…and so relaxing.  Yesterday I had a great craft and vendor sale in Carleton for most of the day.  It was a good show, I sold product, and met some awesome people.  So today I’m wrapping up from that.  I think I’m going to do a show on Wednesday too- a really short one in Flat Rock.  It’ll be a good experience.  I started using a newsletter service for my monthly newsletters- they’re so nice and professional, and save me hours of typing/preparing a month’s newsletter.  I cleaned out my email (whoa was I behind?!?!?) and now I have some postcards to mail.  Open house November 19-20th at our home for Arbonne Holiday Products/shopping.  GREAT gift ideas…even as a consultant, I’d LOVE to get Arbonne for Christmas!  Especially the Pampermint foot care set.  Gosh.  Just what you need after a long day of social working   Anyway.  I better get busy.  So much to do, so much to do…and Bryan gets home at 4:30!  Lovely day.  I really enjoy the quiet and stillness after such a difficult week.

I have to remember God is faithful and He gets us through the most difficult times.  He provides a way…but sometimes it is hard to find that way.  He is faithful, and he makes our paths clear.  Where I should go next… I have no idea.  But I know I need to keep going on.

Today I’m supposed to be cleaning the house…but I went to the Eastern Market for groceries.  People are so interesting- random people dancing in circles, groups of musicians.  There was a small boy playing a baritone for change…he could play quite a few tunes from memory!  I purchased some more wonderful bread from Avalon Bakery, fresh vegetables, Cumin and Curry.  Angus ground beef…for something I put on the menu this week.  Tonight we’re having meatloaf (I don’t really like it, but Bryan does!) with spicy eggplant.  Tomorrow night I’m going to attempt Roast Chicken (since Bryan is working all day!)  This afternoon I’ve spent preparing baskets of Arbonne products for the upcoming shows I have this fall.  I think they turned out nicely, what do you think?  I think that I would like little baskets like these for Christmas!

Arbonne Christmas/Fall gift baskets

Delicious Bread..