I’m really discouraged. Nothing is coming together in terms of a job…I’m trying so hard. No more interviews, no more positive job opportunities, etc. I haven’t heard anything from GVSU or Western Michigan University yet. I know Michigan is really tough, but I don’t see even any hints of a promising future.
I’m glad I can rest in God’s hands…it is just so discouraging sometimes.
I’ve been thinking a lot, which translates into “why write?’
I’ve been applying to grad schools (2). I’ve been applying to jobs (15+). I’ve been at a retreat, and this week I’m going to a conference and Chicago.
I’ve been really busy.
Beyond the “beens,” freedom has been on my mind. I am so often restrained by so many things. Rules and regulations of fundamentalism (both good and bad), people’s ideas and opinions (mainly those related to me), fears and lies the devil has bound me with, and those desires of what I wish to be but am not now.
I desire to have a relationship that people see and say, “I want to be like that.” I mean, yes…that is selfish. And no, I don’t see anything wrong with us. I just see wedding pictures and my friends and I’m like, “dang it, I want to be really cool like that.” Its just those silly insecurities again, like every woman has. I have the most incredible man I could ever imagine. His relationship with the Lord inspires me, he is passionate, gentle, good with conversation, chivalrous, tenderhearted, respectful, compassionate, generous…everything to be admired. We are a really good team and he is my best friend. There is nothing more I can ask for. I don’t need to be like everyone else to know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
I want to be a good social worker. I don’t feel focused, I don’t feel well-educated, I don’t feel well-experienced. But, of course, I then remember that I am just now graduating with my undergrad, I have tremendous dreams and plans half in action, I am gaining as much experience as possible. It’s not like its even possible to be this incredible person who is successfully eradicating the world of poverty and injustice after only four years of undergraduate education. I suppose I can hold off on that for a few more years.
I miss a few of my good friends. A*, for one. She’s out in Minnesota, way out yonder where no one can bother her. And F*…the encouragement in my saddest days…pretty sure that she up and joined the military. She’s a little nuts, that one. I’m really proud of her. At least I have her guitar to keep me company:-) I feel very distanced from people. I do a lot of reflecting, and I’ve become very introverted, so I don’t see people anymore. We have dinners often, but only 1-2 people come, so I have a small friend base. I’m alright with that, as is B*. I don’t feel like I have words anymore, though. Sometimes I wonder if it is alright to be so…quiet in life. I mean, I work at a hospital and a restaurant. All I do is people. It’s really nice to be home with myself and a person. People wear me out.
I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage. A wedding overwhelms me. Its hard to think about what I want separated from pleasing people. I know, that’s a little far ahead to be planning, but its time to begin thinking seriously. I’d rather elope and just disappoint everyone than plan all those silly details.
I feel very unsettled about friendships and sharing life with people. I mean, two roommates moved out and want nothing to do with me. I feel pretty useless. My manager/cook can’t stand me. How can I be so unappealing? I mean, granted, its only three people. I should have higher confidence than that. But, it still kind pokes at you. How do you pursue friendships when you feel so…poked at?
Anyway. Off to bed I go. Late nights are no time to be wondering about yourself. It is newly Easter morning. I am thankful and pondering, off from thinking about myself…God is good. He is faithful, he provides, and he is gracious. I am free in Christ, slave to righteousness. Feel free to ponder on that for a while.
And, yes, Indeed.
HE is RISEN.
Life flies by so unbelievably quickly sometimes.
Its nice to be able to throw in pieces of relaxation- going to see butterflies with Bridget Monday night, making dinner last night (Rosemary pork, Parmesan noodles, and garlic beans), and Bryan’s birthday tonight.
On the other hand, so much to figure out. I’m 120 hours left to go on my internship and have a lot to do for that yet, and graduation is just around the corner.
I’m looking at going for a MSW/MPA dual degree at GVSU. It would be beneficial and I think I would enjoy all the classes. I really need to get going on the application, though.
I have a “real” job interview tomorrow- essentially a case manager for a subsidized housing unit. It sounds like something I would absolutely LOVE to do…with benefits on top of everything. Hopefully that goes well.
I guess there’s a lot of little things- hopefully I won’t get behind! It really is exciting, though, to see all the options.
God is providing, amidst odds that I don’t really comprehend. I can understand how my clients feel through simple things. Such as, Bryan and I are sharing a car, so I don’t always have great transportation. When you walk to get groceries and walk home, it takes a lot of time. When my patients have to walk to me…or even take the bus…its really inconvenient to change schedules on them. They do have time, but when they have time they’re really tired. It’s easier for me to understand that now. Not having complete independence really is a little draining.
Other than that, I’ve been doing Big Brother/Big Sister. I went to pick up my little today for an arranged date, but she forgot! She was sick today, and stayed home from school. So, no brownies today- we just talked for a few minutes, and I went home.
Our conversation was rather enlightening. The normal, “how’s school, how was the Valentines dance, how is life…” Then:
me: “How’s boy?”
her: we’re not talking (this changes every other week)
me: why not? what happened?
her: He irritates me.
me: how so?
her: he just does.
———- Keep in mind they are both 13 —————-
me: oh, I’m sorry. They get better, I promise…just give them 10 years or so.
her: yeah. okay.
me: yeah, by the time they hit 23 they’re alright. at least, they aren’t as irritating.
her: Wait, 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN”T WAIT THAT LONG!!!!!
me: well, girl..you just might have to. 
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Oh, to be 13 again. Or, not.
Besides that- I cleaned the house tonight, then enjoyed a blueberry drink with chocolate cake and scrapbooked. And, I talked to a good friend on the phone. Lovely evening, really. The house is clean, and I’m off to bed…babysit, internship, class tomorrow.
I spend almost every night home alone….
and it scares me.
I know some could consider this heresy…but, when I watch “The Diary of a Mad Black Woman” with Tyler Perry…I remember why I’m so excited to be a Christian. Every time I watch this movie, I cry and remember the faithfulness of Jesus. I know, right?
Days when I get so discouraged by the misrepresentation of Christianity to the world and even myself…I should watch this movie again. It just…reminds me that God is a God of restoration.
Not to mention, I laugh out loud every five minutes.
“I’ll be at church when they get a smoking section.” – Madea
And so serious…
“…you’ve got the strength God gave all women to survive. You just have to tap into it. “
“When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don’t forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him, baby, and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.”
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New things on the horizon:
- I joined in a CSA for the summer/fall harvest, through Trillium Farms. I’m really excited! I’ll be able to pay up front in the next few months, so it won’t be a financial stress at all this summer and will greatly benefit my cooking and creativity this summer. It should be a good summer for farming.
- Planning for a business…we’re starting to plan and create a business plan for a ministry we’re starting, Lord willing. “We” being a couple from my parents’ church and myself. It’s really exciting, a little scary, and a lot busy. So much change is on the horizon, but God is so fully in it. Pray that we continue listening and following!
- I am nearly halfway finished with my practicum- I have nearly 200 hours out of my 440 total hours. It’s so exciting!!! I’m a little nervous about finding a real job with insurance, with all the other opportunities and plans for the summer. I know God will provide, I’m anticipating great things, but I’m a little anxious. Definitely fighting that off, and learning to trust!
“The [chocolate] drink is the healthiest thing, and the greatest sustenance of anything you could drink in the world, because he who drinks a cup of this liquid, no matter how far he walks, can go a whole day without eating anything else.”
I would really like to try some Taza chocolate…
http://www.tazachocolate.com/index.php
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Besides chocolate…I went to a friend’s house last night and we watched Pride and Prejudice- all five hours- over hummus, puppy chow, and dried fruit. I left completely in love with a tall, handsome man (as usual). Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to find a Mr. Darcy for myself…miracles never cease!
This morning I was awakened by a phone call from a dear friend whom I haven’t spoken to for ages. Given my intense dislike for my phone, it’s not a surprise. The conversation was nice, though, and we’re planning on seeing each other in February, Lord willing.
The rest of my morning has been sent with the pot boiling away on the stove, moistening the house…good French press coffee, a boiled egg, banana, and peanut butter toast…and, of course, a chunk of good fine chocolate. It is an impossibility to read about chocolate without having some of your own. I’ve been reading the most recent Gourmet magazine which I received yesterday and avoiding a shower and readying myself for the day. Laundry is in the washer, so I have accomplished something today.
Now…off to the shower, or to the sidewalks first, I don’t know. My head is pounding again- a snowblower doesn’t sound very appealing. Alas, it must be done. I can’t have my landlord doing my sidewalks, no matter how poorly I feel! Enough of my cookbook and coffee for the moment, I suppose…
I have been reflecting and thinking a lot lately, praying too. It is really amazing sometimes to see how God correlates my thoughts with his actions and words through people. I’ve been excited and passionate and joyful and thankful. I’ve been sad and angry and frustrated and confused.
It’s like a whirlwind inside my head of so much that I can’t understand.
So much frustration and irritation with the evangelical church. So many doubts when I start thinking about the church and school and lack of passion and genuineness.
But so much excitement when I read His words and hear Him in my heart and hear Him in the people around me.
People.
I love him…even though he drinks and swears and lives so differently. He’s funny and entertaining and friendly. Some people say he shouldn’t be my friend.
I love her…even though she’s broken, lives on the edge, cynical, against God…she is genuine and talkative and amusing and spontaneous. Some people say she’s not good for me.
I love him…he’s gay, has HIV, dramatic…he’s unique and interesting and talkative and lets you know what he thinks. Some people say the only role I should have in his life is witnessing…
She frustrates me. So close minded and centered on introspection that the world runs by. I feel bad about myself when we talk. She’s beautiful and godly…and some people say, “why can’t you be like her?”
Places.
I love it…fellowship of people committed to truth. A little boxy, but still real and seeking truth with a genuine heart. It loves people of all sorts. I’m excited to call it my church.
I’m so frustrated with it. I can’t pin a lot of reasons down, but when I think of it, I think “fake, manipulative, apathetic.” That’s not how I should see a church. “I hate all your shows.” – Jon Foreman…and me.
I’m hurt by it and I feel betrayed. It’s big and repressive. It keeps your mind from exploring possibilities and creativity. Its apathetic too and really, really boxed in. I hate calling it my school, most days.
I’m excited by it. A family of sorts, seeking life and truth together. Struggling a little, by and by. But don’t we all? We’re not supposed to do what we do…or go where we go. But, it brings me closer to God. How can I break rules and feel closer to God at the same time?
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Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions
Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alone have I sinned.
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow…
And I will be made whole – Jon Foreman and Psalm 51
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I want to live passionately, genuinely, and wholeheartedly. Whatever significance that takes…
Break ends {officially} tomorrow- even though I don’t start class until the end of the month, and its only 1 1/2 hours a week of class. Other than that, life actually settles down.
Christmas was wonderful- very very busy, but so nice to be with family. I really didn’t spend time with anyone but family- I guess now it is time to catch up with everyone else. I spent a few nights at home, many days with the family, and this weekend we brought Joshua back to school.
I really hope he does well…it’s hard to see him not focusing on school. If you’re paying to go, you might as well do a good job at it. Right? Ah well, time should teach him. I think something homeschooling hindered with him is his attention to and respect for teachers. It IS a good idea to follow through with assignments, they are authority- even if you believe otherwise!
I’ve been reading my cooking magazines- so inspiring. Tonight I made bar cookies- toffee, coffee, chocolate, almonds. I really hope they are good- they’re cooling now, and I’m not really sure. They seem like they fall apart really easily. My kitchen smells incredible, though.
So, Christmas gifts were great this year- if I list them, you’ll laugh. Here goes:
I feel like there’s more- I was so blessed, I can’t remember it all! But, my kitchen is well stocked and happy now. It made me laugh, the extent of my kitchen gifts. I asked for a few of them, but the espresso cups were randomly given, and I bought the espresso machine and knives with Christmas money. Pretty amusing, really.
Alright, full work day tomorrow. I’d better get some sleep- after taking care of those cookies!
I had really good conversations with Emily. She’s one of my favorite people in the world. And I saw Sarah…it was very good.
The wedding went (with a lot of hitches, but it went, they’re married, and I’m pretty sure they’re happy 
). I am never, ever driving again. Okay, that might be a lie. I’m at least bringing the car to B’s today, but then I’m taking the bus the rest of the week! I have never driven on roads that terrible. I drove 12 hours our of 42…a trip that should have taken about 5 hours total. It was one-lane traffic from Detroit to Grand Rapids…half the time I couldn’t see the roads the snow was blowing so badly. I was so scared. I got home, though, and I stayed out of ditches and I didn’t hit anyone. I probably couldn’t count the number of cars I saw on the side of the road- abandoned cars, because there weren’t enough tow trucks to help them, and it was too dangerous. We saw a tow truck stuck too- that gives you a lot of confidence!
But, it went alright. My house is a chaotic disaster now- I suppose it’s time to focus on everything here.
Oh- I like his family. I stayed with my best friend’s mother in law- her husband’s sister is really sweet, and I love her mom. I still don’t know her husband at all (which is so weird…to have your best friend married to someone you don’t know at all!) but his family is awesome. She sent me home with roses and a pie for dinner tonight, which I’m so glad Nate is making. I just bring dessert and a side? I suppose I should go see what kind of “side” I can come up with!
